


for the first time (i'll say goodbye to you)

by komorebinnie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Drinking, Graduation, Introspection, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:09:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25190677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komorebinnie/pseuds/komorebinnie
Summary: Hyunjin liked Seungmin.It was easy like that.Somehow that was just so natural. Just, so expected. Like how the sky is blue and the leaves are green. It was obvious. Of course Hyunjin liked Seungmin, they were best friends after all. But the thing is Hyunjin didn’t like Seungmin the way best friends were supposed to like each other.HyunjinlikedSeungmin.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 52





	for the first time (i'll say goodbye to you)

**Author's Note:**

> i’m brazilian and i have no idea how the school system of other countries work so please bear with me
> 
> [title inspiration](https://open.spotify.com/track/0NFyKyRXOH9eTUpnpchkbA?si=CrxIvTZBSZ2HQ0j9hepmAQ)

Hyunjin liked Seungmin.

It was easy like that.

Somehow that was just so natural. Just, so expected. Like how the sky is blue and the leaves are green. It was obvious. Of course Hyunjin liked Seungmin, they were best friends after all. But the thing is Hyunjin didn’t like Seungmin the way best friends were supposed to like each other.

Hyunjin _liked_ Seungmin.

He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when that feeling of adoration towards his best friend started becoming something more. It just came gradually, like spring slowly coming after winter, bringing life and warmth back to earth. It was a feeling that he had never quite experienced before so he always shrugged it off, thinking it was just what you normally felt towards your best friend.

Hyunjin never questioned why he would always cling to Seungmin. When the two of them were together Hyunjin would always shower the other boy with affections, always wanting to be as close as possible to him. Hyunjin was a really friendly and emotional person so he never had any issue with being as loving and as caring as possible towards his friends, though there was no denying that he was always a bit more loving and a bit more caring when it came to his best friend.

But again, Hyunjin never questioned it.

During his short life, Hyunjin had also never given much thought about his sexuality. He had always liked girls, it was what he was expected to do after all. The possibility of liking something else had never even crossed his mind. That was until when he turned fourteen.

When Hyunjin was in his third year of high school, two of his best friends, Changbin and Felix, were forcefully taken out of the closet by a boy who saw them making out at their school bathroom. In the beginning, it was a really big deal, after all, there had never been anyone openly queer in their school. For the longest time that was the only thing people in their year talked about, after some time though people just got used to it, the eventual malicious comments died down and his friends' relationship stopped being such a shocking subject.

That revelation however hit Hyunjin like a truck.

It was like a whole new world had opened for him. Boys could like boys and not just in a platonic type of like. _Holy shit._ It all made sense now. Hyunjin had had many girlfriends in the past but he never seemed to click with any of them and in the end he always broke things off, leaving their hearts shattered. He felt terrible but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t love them the way they loved him.

And now he knew why.

He liked boys. Simple as that. He was finally getting to know himself and that scared him a lot but he also had never felt this free in his life.

After the whole mess with Changbin and Felix coming out, their friend group talked it out and everything was ok. The two of them coming out actually gave a lot of people in their year the courage to come out as well. One of these people being Seungmin, who came out as pansexual to Hyunjin.

That’s when Hyunjin’s whole perception of the other boy changed. Something snapped inside of him and it was like he finally could see clearly. Hyunjin was 14 years old when he came to the conclusion that he was gay and very much in love with Kim Seungmin.

He had fallen. And he had fallen hard.

Hyunjin then spent his next high school years hopelessly pining over the other boy. He had never had the courage to tell him since it could hurt their friendship and that was the last thing Hyunjin wanted to do. Hyunjin would rather have the other boy close as a friend than to not have him at all.

It was frustrating because Hyunjin was always confused. Most times it seemed like Seungmin only saw him as a friend but there would be times in which Seungmin would look at him differently, or hug him a bit tighter than others and Hyunjin’s heart would clench wondering if he was overthinking things or if there was a hidden meaning behind those special touches.

The problem was that Seungmin had never had a crush, or if he had then he just had never told anyone. He never talked about it and he avoided the topic like a plague no matter how much Hyunjin pushed it. Many people during their school years had confessed their crush on the boy and all of them were turned down. This was the main reason Hyunjin was so afraid of telling him. It was all so confusing and it broke Hyunjin’s heart but not even that could stop his crush from growing bigger and bigger.

He tried to get over it, he really did, but no matter how many people he kissed, how much he dated around, no one could make his stomach fill up with butterflies like Seungmin did. Throughout their school years, Hyunjin waited and waited, wondering if Seungmin would ever give him a clear sign, a minimal chance that he would ever return his feelings.

Now Hyunjin was 18 years old and he had spent 4 years of his life pining over the same boy.

At the beginning of the year Hyunjin made a promise to himself. He would tell Seungmin about his crush this year. This would be it, no more running away. He would finally free himself from that secret that had been crushing him for so long.

They were now in the last month of the year and Hyunjin hadn’t told the other boy yet.

The thing is, Hyunjin was scared. He was so scared. Scared of Seungmin hating him, scared of Seungmin being disgusted by him, scared that their relationship would never be the same again and on top of all, scared of losing his best friend.

So he waited.

He waited to tell the boy until the last moment before they graduated because if everything went to shit at least they wouldn’t have to see each other every day anymore. Call him a coward but that was the only way he could ever bring himself to do this.

He wanted an answer. Deep in his heart, he had hope that maybe, _maybe_ , by some weird miracle his best friend also had hidden feelings for him and was also too afraid to confess. _Maybe_ he hadn’t dated around because he wanted Hyunjin. _Maybe_ all those hugs, those lingering stares, everything, _maybe_ it meant something.

And Hyunjin would not be able to live with himself if he stayed forever asking ‘what if’ questions. He had to know. That’s why he decided to confess on the night of their graduation party.

He was nervous.

God, he was so freaking nervous.

The party would be happening in a fancy hall, with lots of food, music, and drinks. Hyunjin was actually counting on those to give him the courage to just go for it.

When he arrived at the place he looked around in awe. Everything looked so good, the lights, the decoration, the clothes, it was amazing. He couldn’t believe he was finally graduating. He wandered around for a bit and saw Felix posing with Changbin near a colorful wall that was meant for instagramable pictures. He waited until they were finished and finally went to greet them with a hug.

“Lix! Bin! You both look amazing!” Hyunjin said with a carefree laugh.

Felix whistled.

“And you don’t look so bad yourself.” Felix said looking him up and down.

Hyunjin playfully winked at him.

“Hey, eyes out of my boyfriend.” Changbin said while wrapping a protective arm around Felix.

Hyunjin and Felix stared at each other right before bursting out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Hyunjin immediately shut down at the sound of that voice. He turned around and the sight that greeted him took his breath away.

Seungmin looked _beautiful._

I mean, to Hyunjin he always looked beautiful but today he was different. It was almost like there was an ethereal aura around him. Hyunjin’s heart skipped a beat.

“Nothing Minnie, you just arrived?” Felix asked lightly.

“No, I was taking some pictures with my family and I haven’t got the chance to see the bar yet, do you guys want to come with me?” Seungmin asked with a bright smile.

“Hell yeah.” Changbin said so the rest of the group decided to follow Seungmin to the place where the drinks were being served.

Hyunjin was on edge. His throat was so fucking dry and he was breaking into cold sweat. Oh God, he was probably going to go into cardiac arrest. There was a constant voice in the back of his head reminding of what he had promised to do today that was preventing him from calming down.

“Jinnie, are you ok?” Seungmin said stepping forward and placing his hands on Hyunjin’s forehead with a concerned frown.

“Ye- yeah I’m fine Minnie.” Hyunjin stuttered out. Seungmin didn’t look too convinced but he decided to drop it.

They arrived at the bar and started looking at the menu with the options.

“What’s the strongest thing you have?” Hyunjin asked the barman.

“I’ve got you.” The man answered with a wink. A few minutes later he came back with a red-looking drink. Hyunjin grabbed it and downed it in one shot.

“Woah Jinnie, slow down. What’s with the hurry?” Seungmin said chuckling with a soft smile on his face.

“This is just really good.” Hyunjin said right after grimacing which made Seungmin let out a loud laugh.

After everyone grabbed their drinks they decided to head to the dance floor to try to find their other friends. There was a DJ on top of a small stage in the middle of the dance floor who was playing some overly loud EDM songs, livening up the party. Hyunjin was already starting to feel the effects of the alcohol as his movements started getting more slurred and his nerves were pretty much all gone. Oh. And he also desperately needed to pee.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” Hyunjin managed to croak out.

“We’ll stay here!” Changbin shouted over the music in return.

Hyunjin stumbled his way to the bathroom, trying not to fall on anyone on his way there. When he finally managed to do his business he went to the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked like a fucking mess. As he was washing his hands he felt someone coming up behind him.

“Hey Hyunjin!”

The one who came to greet him was Jisung, a close friend of his. Jisung wasn’t part of his closest group of friends but Hyunjin got close to the other boy since the two of them were part of the school soccer team.

“Oh hey Jisung! You look good, are you enjoying the party?”

“Meh, more or less. It’s kind of bittersweet isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that kind of sucks.” Hyunjin said as he dried his hands.

“Do you want to grab a drink?” Jisung asked as they left the bathroom.

Hyunjin was still pretty decent so he just shrugged and replied with a ‘sure’, following the other boy to the bar.

“So Hyunjin, who do you think is looking easy to snatch today?” Jisung asked as he sipped on his drink with a smirk.

“Snatch?” Hyunjin asked after he downed the drink he had just gotten which made Jisung’s eyes widen.

“I mean kiss.” Jisung answered with a chuckle.

“Aah I don’t know?” Hyunjin knew Jisung was one of the biggest flirts of their year. There was almost no one who didn’t have some type of story with him, even Hyunjin had made out with the other boy in nights when his miserable love life would get too much for him to handle.

“It’s just that I was really in the mood to kiss someone today. No idea of anyone who would be up for it?” Jisung said while leaning forward.

Hyunjin looked around trying to spot someone for Jisung to kiss when his eyes stopped at Seungmin who was dancing with Jeongin, a boy who he shared choir classes with. The two boys had the biggest smiles on their faces as they danced closely, looking like they were having the time of their lives. Hyunjin frowned.

“I don’t know, maybe that Jeongin guy is up for it.” Hyunjin said offhandedly pointing towards the boy.

“Nah, I’ve already tried him but he turned me down.” Jisung said with a tired sigh as he put his elbow on the stool, leaning even closer to Hyunjin.

“Ah really? What a pity.” Hyunjin said while turning his head to look at Jisung and that’s when he realized that the other boy’s face was just a few centimeters away from his.

“Yeah.” Jisung whispered as he stared at Hyunjin’s mouth. “Maybe you’re up for it?”

“What?”

Suddenly Jisung surged forward and captured Hyunjin’s lips with his. Hyunjin took three seconds to process what was happening and then he placed a hand on Jisung’s chest, pushing him away.

_No no no._ This was not what he wanted to do. This was not how he wanted this night to go. He didn’t want to settle with a quick make out session with Jisung. _He wanted Seungmin._

God, what a mess.

“Jisung I like Seungmin.”

Jisung’s eyes widened.

“Oh, I didn’t know.”

“And I’m going to confess to him now, so yeah, see you.” Hyunjin said as he got up from the stool he was seated in, leaving a confused Jisung behind.

It was now or never. He was going to do it.

Hyunjin took decisive strides towards Seungmin who was still on the dance floor.

“Hey Seungmin, want to go see the sweets table with me?”

Seungmin turned around, a bit startled by Hyunjin’s sudden appearance but he decided to follow the other boy since he was tired from dancing.

Hyunjin's heart was pounding. He could feel his hands getting sweaty. Holy Shit. He was really going to do this.

They were about to arrive at the table when suddenly Chan, Felix’s brother, appeared in front of them carrying a big tipsy smile on his face.

“Hey guys! Nice party, right?! I remember my graduation party just like it was yesterday, good times... good times...” Chan mumbled while stumbling forward.

_Fucking hell._ If Chan didn’t leave right now Hyunjin would chicken out.

“Chan, maybe you should sit down?”

“Sitting down?! In a party?! Nu-uh, I’m going to dance, bye bye!” Chan drunkenly screamed as he stumbled towards the dance floor.

Seungmin just chuckled and turned to look at Hyunjin who just gave him a shrug, glad that the other boy had left.

The two boys then headed to the sweets table, Seungmin grabbed some candy claiming he was starved after dancing so much. Hyunjin tried to make small talk but he was so nervous it was taking everything from him to not run away at that exact moment. As he stared at Seungmin’s side profile laughing, Hyunjin took in a deep breath.

“Seungmin I need to tell you something.”

“Hm? Sure, shoot.”

“But I need you to promise that you won’t hate me.”

“What is it Jinnie? You’re scaring me.” Seungmin said with an uneasy chuckle.

“No, you have to promise you won’t hate me after I tell you this.”

Seungmin expression turned serious.

“Ok sure. What is it?”

“You really promise you won’t hate me and won’t stop talking to me?”

“Ok now you’re really freaking me out Jinnie, what is it?” Seungmin said as he stopped walking, turning around to stare straight at Hyunjin.

Hyunjin’s heart was pounding wildly on his chest. This was it. No more running away. Whatever the outcome was he would deal with it later.

“I like you Minnie.”

Seungmin just stared at him blankly and Hyunjin started to panic.

“And I know that you don’t like me back but I just needed to get this out of my chest though I still want to be friends! I promise I’ll get over it, this confession it’s just the first step but please please don’t hate me. I can’t lose my best friend.” Hyunjin said in one breath.

A beat of silence.

“Ok.” Seungmin said calmly.

“Ok?”

“It’s ok.” Seungmin said now a bit awkwardly while looking at the floor.

“So you don’t like me back?” Hyunjin asked, his voice breaking at the end.

“No Jinnie, I’m so sorry.” Seungmin said apologetically.

_Oh._

_Of course._

Of course he didn’t like him. What did he really expect? His life wasn’t a romantic movie. He was so fucking stupid.

“Ah ok, thanks for being honest. So, I’ll go to- to the bar, yeah, see you.” Hyunjin said hurriedly, turning around trying to get away from the other boy as fast as he could.

His breath was getting faster and he felt his face turning red. Stupid stupid stupid. He felt so fucking stupid. He really thought, he _actually_ thought Seungmin would like him back. He really thought this was going to be one of those romantic movies in which Seungmin would return his feelings and they would kiss and live happily ever after. He was a fool, a fucking delusional fool.

He had never felt anything like that before. The pain, the embarrassment, the regret. Actually, no. He didn’t regret it. At least now he wouldn't spend the rest of his life wondering if he had ever had a chance with Seungmin. Now he knew that he had never had. And that hurt.

God that hurt so much.

It felt like someone had punched him in the gut and was squeezing his heart as painfully as possible. He didn’t even feel like crying. He just felt numb. So, so numb. Like he would never be able to feel happiness again. At least not in the way that he did next to the other boy.

But at the end of the day, that was what he had wanted, right? The closure, right? God, he felt so pathetic.

Hyunjin was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around with a hopeful feeling blooming on his chest only for it to be crushed when he saw Changbin standing in front of him.

“Hey Hyunjin, what happened? You look terrible man.”

Hyunjin grimaced.

“Jisung kissed me.”

“He did what?!?”

“And then I confessed to Seungmin.”

“You did what?!?”

“And he rejected me.”

A beat of silence.

“Oh Jin, I’m so sorry.”

Changbin said while scooting forward and wrapping Hyunjin in a tight hug.

“I’m glad that I confessed because at least now I have the final answer. I never had a chance with him anyway. I feel like I lifted a weight from my shoulders but why does my heart feel so heavy?” Hyunjin’s voice was choked but he wasn’t crying. Why wasn’t he crying?

Changbin just continued rubbing his back soothingly.

“And I have no idea how I’ll be able to look at his face again. I’m so embarrassed, I feel so dumb. So dumb for having spent so many years pining after him. I really thought I had a chance you know? Sometimes it looked like we could have been something more but I was so foolish.”

“Jinnie you had no way of knowing his feelings.” Changbin said as he patted him comfortingly in the head.

“Ah Gosh, I just want to go and apologize to all my ex-girlfriends right now. Having your heart broken fucking sucks.”

Changbin laughed at that.

“I know things suck right now Jinnie but I can assure you it’ll pass.”

“I just hoped it passed faster.”

“Yeah.”

Hyunjin then left. After the last exams were over he went away and isolated himself as much as he could. He traveled, he took on new hobbies, he occupied himself with anything he could and he tried not to think about it. And for a while, he thought he was finally over it. Over Seungmin.

He was fine.

But he wasn’t.

Because as soon as he saw Seungmin again those feelings he had buried deep inside all came rushing back to punch him in his gut. After many months of ignoring the other boy, their friend group decided to do a get together since they all missed each other a lot.

When Hyunjin saw Seungmin he almost bolted, but the other boy went to greet him and started talking to him like he hadn’t just ignored him for months.

And that was the worst.

Seungmin was still _nice_ to Hyunjin. Even after everything that had happened. Hyunjin wanted to hate the other boy, he wanted to be able to resent him. But he couldn't. How could he? When Seungmin was so nice, so attentive, so perfect, so... Seungmin. It was almost like nothing had changed.

After that get-together Hyunjin and Seungmin resumed talking like that graduation day had never happened. They were still friends. That was what Hyunjin had wanted, right? After all, he had begged for the other boy not to hate him.

Deep down though Hyunjin wished that Seungmin would have just pushed him away, told him that he hated him so that he wouldn’t be reminded every day of the reason why his heart hurt so much. He had to live with the fact that the boy who he loved so much would never love him back. At least not in the way he wanted.

And it hurt. It fucking hurt because he still acted the same way so it was impossible for Hyunjin’s feelings to go away. He couldn’t hate Seungmin for it, he could only hate his stupid self and his stupid feelings.

Hyunjin never cried about it though. He didn’t know why. He just couldn’t. It was like all that had happened wasn’t real and Hyunjin still hadn’t processed it.

But that was ok.

He would get over him one day.

Right now he would suffer and watch the boy he loved fall in love with other people, leaving him behind. And that was ok. He would get over it.

He just hoped it wouldn’t take too long.

**Author's Note:**

> this was just 3k words of me projecting on Hyunjin, sorry.
> 
> hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/komorebinnie), let's be moots!


End file.
